Her idea wasn't bad, it was actually pretty good, and really I agree with it. I prefer not to use styrofoam myself. I just snapped.
I knew why immediately after it was all done, and I regret reacting like I did, she didn't deserve that kind of aggression.
Like I said though, I knew why I did it.
I'm burning out
Not on my faith, but Pagans are burning me out. They complain about everything, there is always some issue, some gripe going around. They complain if words don't have the exact right implication, fuck that the word is standard use. They complain about too much rigidity, they complain about not enough. They complain about not having temples and then complain about the abuse of the land that founding a temple would cause. They complain, they complain, they complain, and it started wearing on me.
The content didn't make me mad. It was just the complaint that broke the camel's back.
I also came to the realization that a lot of the people that I felt were my friends, well they weren't. They don't talk to me, they don't support me, and frankly I'm heavily under the impression that they don't care about me, and that stung. I thought I had made friends, but I realized that really I didn't. I have a few friends of course. That hurt.
Last night, I sat up, folding clothes, staring blankly. I wondered, I pondered, why do I bother with the Pagan community? I realized, I'm receiving no benefits from them, I'm only getting stressed and riled up. My CUUPs group was cool for a while, but fuck it, every time I go to ritual I mostly get ignored because I'm still a fairly new guy. What is the point for me? They sure as hell aren't helping my faith grow, and they aren't helping my religion prosper, I mean hell, Drew Jacob realized that the Pagan community wasn't really helping with his faith or its growth.
Why am I here, in this community? Should I be?
This isn't a crisis of faith, as you know I look at Paganism as a sub-culture and not as a religious grouping. My faith is Hellenismos, it is not Pagan or Paganism. Why am I doing this? I really, really, really don't know.
As such, I've decided to take a hiatus from the community. Xenia will still hold its rituals, and people will still be invited to them, but I simply need a break, I need to see if I actually do glean anything from the community, or if I'm happier without it.
The blog will still be up and running of course, but don't expect it to grapple 'pagan issues'. I won't be reading Pagan blogs for the most part, so I probably won't be hip on what the current topics floating around are. I'm just going to write as I do and try to be happy with it.
|Rest Here by oliverkendal on Flickr|