I sit here, my head throbbing from being out in the heat too long today. I've had two glasses of cool water and some acetaminophen, they've taken the edge off, sadly they haven't done more than that.
I sit her in relative silence, my roommates have left for the summer and so during the week I'm alone. The only noise I get is from my Netflix movies, the video games I play, and the cicadas outside my window. I don't get to interact with people much lately, at least not on the level of friends. If I'm lucky I will get to before my labs, but during the week I just don't speak to folks much. Thankfully, on the weekends I get to see my boyfriend.
So all these things combined together, it means I get to think a lot and I get to read a lot. I get to think, relatively uninterrupted. I get to think about all manner of things too. My relationship with the gods, their actuality, how I am, how I'm happy, how I might strengthen my community, the ambiguity of words. Sometimes, the ambiguity of polytheism itself. The strangeness and uncertainty of things.
My place in this world, my place in my own faith, my place in the pagan community.
I think about folks who have helped me grow, who have angered me and frustrated me. Folks I've treated with contempt for saying just downright stupid stuff. Folks who I haven't given as much due as they should have gotten. Folks who I've fawned on too much.
There is something that is almost magical about waking up each morning and doing my devotions. There is something magical about spending a lazy Sunday afternoon in your lover's arms. There is something magical about a person in your organization taking the time out of their day to chat with you and help you sort your own personal stuff out.
Even in all the turmoil, the stress, the failures, the money problems. Even in all this I realize how truly lucky I am, and I am truly grateful to the gods, to my friends, to everyone who has helped. I have a lot to be grateful for. When I express this sentiment and someone quips "Well yeah, but you still have to put up with those things though. They could be so much better." Yes, they could be, but they could also be so much worse. Only by the chance occurrences, have I made it through any of this okay. My own actions have harmed me, but the small little things I've done and the tiny choices I've made have helped me, and likewise the tiny choices others have made have helped me. I'm incredibly blessed.
Call it luck, I'll call it kharis.